For as long as I remember, when it comes to water I've fantasized about floating. Yet everytime I go swimming and try, my legs begin to sink. Last summer, on a beautiful sunny day, I tried again. I really concentrated and began to give weight to the water, to relax. I sensed into it, relaxed my body conciously, and the more I relaxed, the more clearly I heard this anxious inner voice telling me I'm gonna sink like any heavy object and die. For a moment I could sense the fear and yet stay relaxed (and float!), but soon it took over and I had to stop. It was an intense experience.
This week floating suddenly came up in a conversation and a friend said it : "You can not float because you don't trust the water." This was one of those insightful moments when something you thought you understood sinks even deeper. Yeah, you don't do floating, you float. You don't make effort to float - the water carries you, whether you understand it or not. All you need is to trust that and enjoy. Paddle a little to move around, but floating is something that just happens.
Logic and control are such wonderful tools for operating in this world, but unfortunately they're also quite effective in creating and holding up bubbles which soon become exhausting paradigms (as for a bubble, or actually any object to survive, there is a need for constant tension). You so yearn to float and try your best to figure out a solution to do so. And you keep on trying... But trying to float is the same as trying to float inside the bubble, which isn't really possible. Floating is only possible after the bubble of control has burst, but it's terrifying to the mind. The mind can not be sure what is outside the bubble, what will happen outside the bubble. Logic screams - chaos! Control screams - too much to handle! There are so many bubbles we live in, bigger and smaller, inside each other and overlapping.
What's all this got to do with the mandala?
I wanted to create a mandala as a gift to the waters of this world. The oceans, rivers, lakes, streams, the water inside my human body. I've had it in mind for a few weeks already, but it wasn't until now that it felt like the right time. I had created a picture in my head of how it would have harmonious wavelike patterns and all, but as I began creating, it didn't turn out like I had envisioned at all! Frustration! Anger! Disappointment! I took a deep breath, wiped it off and began anew. Floating in creation. The point in intuitive working is that you do not know where it is going. What it's gonna look like. What it's gonna say. Whether it'll be ugly or pretty. You do not control the process, you do not designate the outcome. You are creating together with all that is, so there's no way of knowing it all, controlling it. You trust that whatever you create, it is the right pattern to emerge, whether you understand it or not. Whether you like it or not. And that is exactly what makes the process "creating". It has never been before, manifested nor envisioned, it is happening here and now and there's the value, there's the beauty. That's floating.
So Week 50, happiness and trust. One and the same really, floating.
Made with seasalt, heilerde, much love, much respect.
For the water that nourishes, cleanses, teaches and keeps this
ecosystem alive. Inside and out.
For the water that carries.